Donald Trump Falls in Love with Hillary Clinton: A Hypothetical Astrological Study
by Dadhichi Toth, the Irreverent Astrologer
Both arch rivals on the political front and in the trenches of warfare for the presidency of the United States in 2016, it’s interesting to see what might have been had Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton thrown down their word-weapons, high fived and made up. No, better still, passionately embraced with a tender French kiss and then made hot, frenzied love in the bedroom. Naturally that would mean erasing their past as political foes. And speaking of the past, going back even further, what a curiosity to rewind the clock back to say, their college days to hypothetically see what might have happened had Donald and Hillary actually fallen in love.
It’s hard to imagine them as a power celebrity couple in the vein of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, AKA Branjelina. Had their theoretical love affair taken off, destiny would have been weirdly different. Instead of Branjelina we’d be reading headlines with the alternative most talked about name in tabloid gossip – Dillary. Well, as famous American baseball player Yogi Berra’s used to say: the future ‘aint what it used to be!
You can imagine them in the throes of passionate horizontal dancing exchanging notes on her lost emails and his supposedly surreptitious photograph: a shot of him dressed as a Cossack on one of his secret undercover missions to the Kremlin, papaha ( Russian hat ) in hand, petitioning Vladimir Putin for campaign funds. The only way either of them could possibly extract the truth out of each other over the long drawn-out tit-for-tat news headlines is sex. Dillary sex that is. Or perhaps under these new heights of sensual imagination a more appropriate name would be Hump? Who’s you papaha now Hillary?
Of course, this is all conjecture so really, what do their horoscopes say? Would there have been a possibility for these two to click? Let’s take a look at the key factors which make up a successful relationship, especially a sexually intimate one according to astrology. How compatible would Donald and Hillary have been romantically? Would the Dillary glam couple survive and surpass the Branjelina phenonemon? Let’s see!
It’s hard to imagine them as a power celebrity couple in the vein of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, AKA Branjelina. Had their theoretical love affair taken off, destiny would have been weirdly different. Instead of Branjelina we’d be reading headlines with the alternative most talked about name in tabloid gossip – Dillary. Well, as famous American baseball player Yogi Berra’s used to say: the future ‘aint what it used to be!
To find out about your romantic prospects check out your astrology love and compatibility here
Sex. Nasty sex.
Although there’s more to a relationship than sex, it’s pretty important you’d have to agree. The eighth house of the horoscope indicates how couples interact sexually. The natural rulers of the eighth house of the Zodiac are Mars and Pluto and here we see an extraordinary combination with Hillary’s Mars, Pluto and Saturn near Donald’s Mars and Pluto. There’s only one way this sexual relationship’s going to work – and that’s with loads of leather, whips, bondage and reciprocal pain. You can hear the yelps from here.
We mustn’t forget the quaint little Kubrickian Eyes-Wide-Shut masks – the perfect little cherry to top off their Humpy buckskin fashion statement. I suspect this power couple, both having deep longings to dominate others would need to share their BDSM love trysts in an equally passionate measure. Being politicians they’d make use of their exceptional diplomatic scheduling as well. What an ideal opportunity to beat the shit out of each other on alternative nights. Now that’s what you call a mutual relationship based on agony.
Judging from this combination their sexual pleasure would come less from sex rather than tearing the flesh off each other, along with other really nasty pastimes. Scorpio is Hillary’s ascendant and with that secretive, nippy sign ruling Donald’s fourth house of hearth and home you can only start to imagine the dark and dingy basement where twilight sex frolics might take place. This would be more like a musty smelling dungeon than anything else. Dangling chains from the damp ceiling, colourful rainbow ropes, handcuffs, slavery tape, self-adhering strapping, knives and dental toolsets neatly, almost obsessively laid out on a spotless, stainless steel surgical bench with all sorts of other groovy tools of pain to delectably inflict upon each other. Perhaps Stanley Kubrick cast the wrong couple when he did Eyes Wide Shut. You can see how Donald and Hillary may well have replaced Tom and Nicole. They wouldn’t have even had to act out their fantasies. Kubrik could have simply rolled the camera and presto, a blockbuster movie to outshine even the lustiest Kim Kardashian YouTube encounter.
This would be more like a musty smelling dungeon than anything else. Dangling chains from the damp ceiling, colourful rainbow ropes, handcuffs, slavery tape, self-adhering strapping, knives and dental toolsets neatly, almost obsessively laid out on a spotless, stainless steel surgical bench with all sorts of other groovy tools of pain to delectably inflict upon each other.
Emotions we all thought they didn’t have
Figure 3 shows the dual horoscope wheel with the Moon in the fifth house of Donald’s love affairs. This is where we get into the emotional compatibility. Hillary’s Moon sits at an almost perfect square to his Moon while also becoming unhinged in its square to retrograde Uranus. Dear God, what an erratic combo! Yes, apart from the erotic, this one’s totally erratic. What’s more, her Uranus also deranges Donald’s Moon by direct opposition, and closely at that. This doesn’t make for a particularly stable emotional life and the Moon which rules general daily affairs will create pretty extreme outbursts from both. Think Trump-Clinton debates playing out over and over again ad nauseam in Groundhog Day fashion as their emotional life together.
Uranus is well known as the planet precipitating unexpected ups and downs. Looks like a big black mark against the dynamic Dillary duo, emotionally speaking.
Donald’s Uranus is in quincunx to Hillary’s ascendant and to a close degree, and the North node isn’t far off either. Hillary’s Uranus looks like it decided to repay Donald with interest by sextiling his ascendant and Mars. Talk about a pyrotechnics relationship! But then again, that’s the malicious and vindictive Scorpio in Hillary coming out. Tinder on a hot summer’s day waiting to be ignited. There would never be a dull moment in the Hump relationship. But then again, with these astrological combinations, there’d never be any peace either.
Communistication
By far however most important thing in a relationship is communication because without that you pretty much have nothing. Mercury is the predominant planet of communication. In Donald’s horoscope the co-ruler of his marital house Saturn is located on the 12th house of secrets. Usually, this means that your partner or lover will ultimately become your secret enemy. Perhaps you wouldn’t have to worry about the CIA taking out Donald on contract because you’d no without a doubt that ruthless Hillary would be ready to do the job for free from right there under the sheets in the bedroom. She may be married to him but why let an institution get on the road of a little murderous fun right?
Donald’s Mercury is in the sign of Cancer, a movable sign indicating his changeable mental state and how easily his emotions, especially his anger, rise to the surface and come into play. On the other hand, Hillary has Mercury in the secretive and vindictive sign of Scorpio. Although trining each other’s star signs for Mercury, the orb of influence is a little wide. Have they been a little closer, they’d probably negotiate a pretty good contract in which their marriage would allow them the benefits of any other normal conjugal couple without the necessity to actually talk to each other. Hilary would be scathing in her attacks and relentless in her detective-like interrogations which Scorpio is notorious for. Furthermore, with Hilary’s Mercury in conjunction with Venus in Scorpio she would learn to become adept at reading beautiful poetry while she tortured poor Donald.
There is hope yet if Hillary can somehow develop a taste for Twitter, who knows, the two might just start to have a decent sort of relationship based on meaningful tweets. Donald can’t help himself and let the cat out of the bag about what they see going on between him and Hillary. Check out some of his latest tweets. If you thought his love affair with Kim Jong-un was intense take a look at these:
Donald J Hump
@DonaldHump
Hillary, where’s the f&*$ing leather whip?
I’ve been looking everywhere for it. You used
it on me last night remember?
You can tell he’s trying to develop better communication with Hillary and sharpening his lovemaking techniques but it all seems to keep coming back to sex. As an example, look at his tweet regarding Al Franken:
Donald J Hump
@DonaldHump
The Al Frankenstein picture is really bad,
speaks a thousand words. Where do his
hands go in pictures 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 while
she sleeps?
Hilary would be scathing in her attacks and relentless in her detective-like interrogations which Scorpio is notorious for. Furthermore, with Hilary’s Mercury in conjunction with Venus in Scorpio she would learn to become adept at reading beautiful poetry while she tortured poor Donald.
Social
The intense conjunction of Pluto and Mars in Hillary’s professional sector making a right angle to Donald’s rising Pluto it means they would both be constantly vying for attention and taking centre stage in any social setting. Talk about a relationship of one-upmanship. This would be a case of perpetual undercurrents of non-verbal tension between the two. Can you imagine them even sparing any time for each other with obsessive workaholism at the heart of their personalities? There’s always a diplomatic cocktail party of course.
Wait, isn’t there any redeeming astrological feature whatsoever between these two? Are Donald and Hillary, destined for the trash heap like millions of other couples who comprise the 50% plus in the divorce courts? For a moment we had such high expectations of the Dillary-Hump relationship only to find it now deprecated to Hillary-Dump status by astrology! You could perhaps look at the concessional sextile of Hillary’s Neptune to Donald’s Moon which reflects their wildest imagination at the heart of this relationship but that would probably only further fuel the BDSM signature of this unlikely pair and nothing else.
Having her scorpion pincers manicured every so often also doesn’t hurt and makes her less likely to at least appear not to nip too hard. If he could only shut his mouth this power couple would probably do well in social circles but Donald would have to stay on his leash to make any sort of impression.
Venus is the planet relating to social activities and in Donald’s chart is in the 12th house while Hillary’s Venus is in her rising sign. Donald’s 12th house position doesn’t make it easy for him to be too easily liked by the general public and his bombastic, ascending Mars in Leo pushes people away with his divine-right-of-kings attitude ( now you know why he loves all the gold trimmings: must be a throwback to James VI of Scotland who wrote the texts to deify a king ). Hillary has a little more charm and grace with Venus and Mercury in conjunction. Having her scorpion pincers manicured every so often also doesn’t hurt and makes her less likely to at least appear not to nip too hard. If he could only shut his mouth this power couple would probably do well in social circles but Donald would have to stay on his leash to make any sort of impression.
Eastern Vedic Compatibility
Before we go any further it might be well worth mentioning that Eastern Vedic astrology also has a spin on how compatible couples are, not just on the physical plane but on the level of electromagnetic and spiritual compatibility as well. This is done by studying the lunar stars of both and ascertaining the distance between these two points in their horoscopes. In short, it’s proposed that there are no less than 10 points of agreement which can be gauged from this single component in the horoscope. This is called Dash-Koota Compatibility and although these points are not exhaustive, they can give a fairly accurate assessment of whether the relationship can pass the test of time.
These are the ten considerations necessary to assess the suitability of a proposed marriage and family life. Out of these ten considerations, at least five must be favourable for the couple to be compatible.
1. Luck
Due to an unfavourable financial interactions, there’ s a tendency to disagreement in the relationship. It also brings less good fortune.
2. Finance and wealth
The spiritual grades of the bridegroom and of the bride are at odds which is fatal, the marriage will prove harmful to both. This incompatibility factor will reduce wealth in marriage.
3. Attachment to each other
There is lack of compatibility in this respect. It will cause less well-being and attachment in the relationship
4. General welfare
The asterism of the bridegroom is beyond the 13th asterism from that of the bride, causing compatibility in this regard. This will promote welfare
5. Sexual
The copulatory organs according to Vedic astrology are different but not hostile, so sexual compatibility is of a medium nature. This one didn’t see the bondage red flags did it?
6. Family and domestic
The Moon sign of the Donald is in the 10th from that of Hillary which is promising; the couple will develop wealth together. It also indicates growth of the family so had they been a unit we have to wonder what the kids would look like.
7. Food and sensual enjoyment
The lords of the Moon signs are mutual enemies, which is very inauspicious.
8. Posterity
The Moon sign of the bridegroom and that of the bride, are not concordant either way; this will diminish harmony between the couple. It also doesn’t favour the development of posterity.
9. Felicity
The Rajju’s of the bride and groom are different. This enhances the compatibility, brings felicity in married life and immunity from widowhood.
10. Children
The lunar stars of the couple aren’t repellent. There is compatibility in this regard; it gives many children. Ass Hillary is pro multi-cultural she has no problem integrating all sorts of ethnic groups into what she’s proud to call an ‘extended’ family philosophy.
Other Considerations
1. Male/Female
The lunar stars of Donald and Hillary are respectively female and male, which is not supposed to be good.
2. Lineage
The lineages of the Donald and the Hillary are different, which enhances the compatibility.
3. Social echelon
The echelons of the lunar signs cause compatibility.
Total matching Points : 23.5 out of a possible 36 points which is considered acceptable, would you believe? Not quite 60% – passable but not great.
You can wake up now!
The beautiful thing about this conjectural piece is that just as at the outset we travelled back in time to see what might have been, we can just as easily fast forward, the same way Michael J Fox did in Back to the Future to wake up from this ghastly nightmare. That cringing feeling, heart palpitation and slight tremor you’re feeling right now will pass, rest assured. What’s even scarier though is the thought that if this power couple were indeed a reality could you imagine the two of them in the White House? Simultaneously? As if one wasn’t enough. Shit.
Dadhichi Toth, the irreverent astrologer, has a 30-year history in the business of reading horoscopes, over 10,000 of them in fact. He is the founder and CEO of astrology.com.au and was a previous author of the highly successful Mills and Boon’s yearly horoscope books for 9 years. You can contact him on [email protected]
